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DK Says.......

April 10, 2009
Divorced is never totally divorced is it?
I have been divorced for ten years.  We share two kids and from that aspect I guess I know this person will always be connected.  But I just experienced something I hadn't quite imagined before. A very dear mutual friend of ours died last week. The service was this week, and there we were, still connected,yet not connected. I'm sure there must have been a whisper or two when we sat together...one of our kids between us, and his girlfriend of 6 years on his other side. I'm sure it probably looked a little odd to some....a couple who has been divorced for ten years still in some way connected and brought together by sadness. I would say though that we all handled it well. There was mutual grief and so none of us felt one bit awkward. We went to the reception following and all stood in a circle (ex husband, girlfrend, and I) with some other people and just shared. We all shared our stories about our different times with our friend. And yes, there were some stories the joined ex husband and I, just as there of course were of ex husband and girlfriend where I was left out.  But nobody cared....Yes, we are divorced, but our pasts are forever linked, and they are, not just because of our kids, but because of our lives.  Hmmm.

April 4, 2009
The Grief of Divorce
I had a very dear friend of mine pass away this week. This is not something I have a lot of experience with.  My friend was very close to his sister and they lived together.  They were completely each other's right hand partner.  In some ways their relationship was a bit like a spouse one. (Probably much more peaceful though!) Anyway, without any other family in town, I have stepped in to play a very big role in helping his sister pick up the pieces and go on.  As I've been watching, I've been realizing how very similar to the grief process of divorce, death is.  I have often said that to me the grief of divorce is so much harder than death.  And as I have been watching myself and my friend's sister this week, I maybe don't come to that exact conclusion, but still think it is very similar and in some areas certainly more difficult.  Somehow death, though by no means easy, is easier to comfort yourself.  You can really say that they are at peace now.  You can say the suffering has stopped.  You can come to terms with it really is out of your control and that some bigger force is making those decisions. It is permanent.  You know without a doubt that it is over.  There is no more hope.  Sure, your mind may play tricks on you, and you may ponder or imagine the outcome to be different, but without a doubt it is over.  The grief of divorce is so much different because it can be sooo difficult to let go.  You can hang on to hope for as long as that ex partner is still alive. You can try to be different or change things.  You can wonder what you can do to make it different.  You can run into that person every now and then and wonder if now it can be different.  It can be very difficult because it may be you that has to make the decision to end it and then you have to live with it. All I can say today is, just as you would allow someone to go through the steps of grief if there were a death.  Please allow yourself or your loved ones the same respect and time to grieve a divorce.  It is just as painful, just as difficult to accept sometimes. And even when you know it is for the best in the longrun, just like in death, it is a very difficult journey to walk.


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