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DK Says.......

September 29, 2008
I'm being tested to see if I'm REALLY done!

 So I posted this entry yesterday about when a woman is done she's done.  And I've had the good fortune of finally getting there with my ex-husband.  It took awhile.  However my most recent relationship is the one that I'm two years out of and it has taken me until now to really feel like I'm done.  It was a long distance relationship, so you would think it would have been easy.  So I post the entry and today I find out he's coming to my town to give a presentation THIS WEEK!  (Nothing like the universe immediately testing you to see if you really mean it!) He asked if he could stay and maybe we could have dinner or something. I said yes......but I'm telling you, I really am done.  There is nothing he can say that is going to make it any different.  I will be proud to report back at the end of the week that even with a nice dinner and bottle of wine, I'm still going to be done.  Just wait and see!

September 28, 2008
When a woman is done.........she's done!
It seems like women hang on forever and ever to that relationship that is not good for her.  She takes him back over and over.  Who knows what starts it.  Could be a romp in the sheets, those adorable eyes, just plain lonliness.  I've certainly had my share of those relationships that just seem to drag on and on.  It's like I knew in my head I should get out and be done, yet something kept pulling me back.  I think it's possible that maybe I just like the push-pull of abandonment in my life.  What I do know is that once I finally get to the point where I'm done............I'M DONE!  There is nothing he can do to sway me or even get within 10 feet of my interest scale.  It is hard to get there, but it is really wonderful when you finally do.  I take great pride at knowing that after every relationship, though it make take a very long while, that yes eventually I do get over it!  And as far as my last one........it's been two years in the making, getting over it I mean, but I feel it, it's done!  Yippee!

September 26, 2008
Being divorced has it's perks...kind of like being a grandparent!

It's been 10 years this month since I got divorced.  I have really learned to love all of the perks.  I don't have to call to check in, or consult to spend money.  I can sleep late, or stay up all night reading a book if I choose.  I can do just about anything I want whenever I want, wtih whomever I want.  Now don't get me wrong there are some things like companionship and sex that I miss from time to time.  But at the same time, that is why I look at being divorced a little bit like people look at being a grandparent.  At this stage, I can have men over, entertain them, enjoy them (in whatever capacity suits my fancy at the time), and then I get to politely send them home.  It really is a wonderful thing.  I enjoy my kids and my life in whatever aspect I choose.  I do not clean up after them.  I don't fight for the remote from them.  I just get to enjoy them when it suits us both without all of the day-to-day chores.  I think being divorced isn't as bad as the reputation it has.  The best thing is I really have discovered the one person I never really knew before........ME!

September 23, 2008
Ten years ago today....I moved out!
It was the scariest thing I'd ever done, next to getting married in the first place....ten years ago today, I decided enough was enough and I moved out.  It was just a trial basis and we left the kids situated in our home while the two of us went back and forth.  It didn't take long before I realized that it wasn't so scary and that I was just beginning to think about enjoying life again.  The fighting had stopped, well most of it any way.  I was beginning to realize though I was at times miserable to be in the midst of this, it felt better than it did continuing trying to make something work, that clearly wasn't!  So today I celebrate!  I celebrate how good it feels to have found myself finally, after so many years.  I celebrate the wonderful children that our union created.  I celebrate the freedom that being single provides.  In fact, I'm celebrating so much, that there is a workshop I've had my eye on for awhile now.......it takes place on a one-week cruise to Tahiti.  So, I've decided that I deserve it, and I'm going because at this point, joy is the only direction I have to turn!

September 20, 2008
Can you be friends with your ex?
Now that seems to be a loaded question.  Can you be friends with your ex spouse?  My gut reaction is to say no, but maybe it depends on what your definition of friends is.  I would wonder if you could be really close friends, like say friends with benefits (i.e. SEX), going out to do things together etc. then why would you be divorced.  But if you maybe mean doing all of those things together, but there is no sex involved.  Again, I'd wonder why are you divorced, couldn't you maybe go see a counselor and get the engine rolling again in the bedroom?  I tend to think there really is no point to being friends with your ex unless it just means that you are cordial, maybe share things in passing, or of course if you share kids together and you want to display some common courtesy around them.  I suppose that everyone has their comfort zone.  So ultimately what I advise, is do only what you feel comfortable with.  If it is painful to have to be friends with your ex, then don't do it.  Even if it benefits them.  I presume you've already been through a tough time getting to the stage of getting divorce.  The idea of divorce is to get past the pain that isn't working in your life anymore.  So unless being friends really brings you both some kind of joy in your life, I would steer clear so you can get on with your healing.  Maybe in time you will feel differently and being friends will flow into your life most naturally.  Until then, listen to your gut.  You'll know if it feels right or not.

September 19, 2008
Planning a vacation as a split parent
Sometimes being a shared custody parent has its perks, other times it doesn't.  My divorce has it written up that I must first offer the opportunity to my ex to watch the kids WHENEVER I'm gone.  This means for a Friday night out, or worse yet for planning a vacation.  So unfortunately every time I'm even considering a vacation I have to consult with my ex-husband before I can make any plans.  This of course leads to questions like, "where are you going?", or worse yet, "where are you getting all of your money?"  It's nice to know that usually I have a built in caretaker for my kids, but it is pretty frustrating to have to talk to the ex first.  My ex at times can be particularly nosey, like "who are you going with?" I know that he isn't trying to be that nosey, but I always wonder why does he care?  Luckily we have a decent relationship and at times we can trade vacation stories so we might learn what kinds of vacations we like or don't.  But still, I find it annoying that he has to be practically the first person to know I"m thinking of going, even before my travel agent!

September 18, 2008
Why I don't consider myself a single parent
I cringe when I hear people say I'm a single mom.  I suppose that in some ways I am.  But I don't really think I qualify.  In my mind a single parent is one who has to do EVERYTHING on their own, both physically, and usually fiancially.  In my case my ex-husband participates in the parenting mostly half way.  I think there are certain things that naturally fall to me because I'm the mom, but most of the time he does his half.  He keeps the kids 3 nights a week.  During that time he's responsible for their school work, transportation, meals, and general parenting duties.  If they're sick while they're there, he takes care of that too. Now I will admit I tend to do all of the doctor and dentist appointments, follow up with the teachers when there is a problem and so on.  But somehow I suspect those duties would have fell to me even if we were still married.  I know some couples that are married, and one of the parents work so much that I would think of them as being a single parent more then me.  I don't really know where the term got started or exactly what it's supposed to mean.  But I for one think that I have pretty close to the same partner I would have had if we'd stay married. I guess I usually refer to us as shared custody co-parents.....but that's kind of long.  Any ideas???

September 10, 2008
Choosing Sides
It is my ten-year anniversary this month since my ex husband and I first separated.  I was just recently reminded of how it can be so awkward for mutual friends to "choose sides".  It can be difficult, especially when you first separate for your friends to know exactly what to do.  Obviously friends that were "hers" will likely end up being her friend in the end.  The same goes for "his" friends.  But what about the friends that you made along the way?  You  know, the ones that really became your friend as you went along?  Those people have a very difficult task at hand, and it is your job to support whatever decision they make, no matter how poorly they might handle it.  Some will just continue to invite you both to functions and it will be up to the two of you to act like adults, or politely decline if you know you can't.  Some will eventually choose a side because they don't want to have to feel strange trying to sidestep you both at an event that is supposed to be fun.  Some might just drop you both like a hot potato because it doesn't feel like something they want to take on.  Any of those methods are perfectly okay, and you should try to understand it because after all, it is the two of you getting divorced, not you and your friends.  If they don't handle it the way you would, just try to imagine yourself in their shoes.  It's not easy being all mixed up in that, especially if it was a messy divorce.  And don't think it goes away once all of the initial divisions are made.  If you have kids the awkwardness can continue.  What if you attend school or sport functions with your kids.  Maybe you are both there and become friends with some of the other parents.  Maybe your ex does too.....at different times or events.  Then when those parents have a get together, they too can be put in the mix of who do I invite?  They surely don't want to choose sides, as they didn't even know you as a couple.  Wow........it's not easy being divorced!

September 7, 2008
Can a single mom ever just "be"?
Today must be one of the most beautiful days I ever recall spending on planet earth.  The air is perfect.  It is just slightly blowing so you stay perfect in the warm sun.  The air feels good.  The sky is gorgeous blue. I don't have my kids today.  So I was thinking of all of the things I was going to do on this Sunday while my kids were at Dad's.  But then I was just tugged to stp and just "be".  It is beautiful and sometimes I think all of us Moms forget that every once in awhile it's really okay to stop and just enjoy life for a moment.  I suspect in some way it will benefit my kids this week that I did stop and just "be" for a little while today.  How much more rewarding it will be when they come home to a Mom that is rejuvinated and relaxed.  Yes it might mean that they will have to come to the grocery store with me one evening.  And maybe they're going to have to put up with me doing just a little more writing while they are home.........but somehow I bet it will be all the more enjoyable because I stopped just for today to appreciate how beautiful it really is!

September 4, 2008
How do we become "the other woman"?
As someone who has become the "other woman" more than once in her life, I began questioning this pattern.  Of course at first I wanted to blame the jerk that lied and misled me.  But then I was the one that continued the sneaking around.  So was it him?  Well after much self-reflection I decided that we very rarely get treated any worse than we allow ourselves to be treated.  So the fact that I continued was my own doing.  But what made me so desparate to continue in the first place?  My own self-esteem.  I didn't love myself, or think highly enough of myself to stand up.  I was looking outside for validation.  I wanted to feel loved, sexy, needed.  I didn't seem to recognize that I needed to give myself all of those things from the inside and that nobody would every completely satisfy those things.  Only I could.  So today, I've been on quite a series of dates.  Most don't make it past the first date, because now I'm looking for someone to share life with, not to validate me.  So when they aren't compatible, or they're otherwise attached etc. I can easily move on, because I'm not looking for anyone to complete me.


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