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DK Says.......

October 30, 2007
Divorced Moms...it's okay to take time for ourselves!
Sometimes I forget to practice what I preach!  I've spent the last few weeks working way way way more than I should.  It seems like the only spare moments I had, I felt like I owed them to my kids.  So I rushed them to school, hurried to work, raced to pick them up, hurried back to the computer so I could work some more.  I imagine every Mom in America is feeling this way at times.  I forgot my own words of wisdom........"You're not any good to any body, if you don't stop and take time for yourself!"  I think we single mom's are the worst.  We have some kind of guilt that because our kids aren't with us full time that we must spend every single second they are with us, paying attention to them. No harm will come if you shut the door and read a magazine for a little while.  The world will not blow up if you take a bubble bath after putting the kids to bed 30 minutes early.  Hire a sitter and go to a jazz club.  We forget how hard we work.  We really are worth it!

October 28, 2007
Have I really healed from my divorce?
I recently started dating again after a break off of a 4 year plus long distance relationship.  Things seemed to be going along okay.  Then there became this silence.  You know the one, the one where the phone doesn't ring.  It was probably very innocent, but I noticed my reaction.  My reaction was this heart pounding, oh my gosh, he doesn't like me any more.  (He doesn't like me anymore?  Does that sound like high school or what?)   Now my rational mind says, he just got busy, it's not that big of a deal.  However the adreniline coursing through my veins was saying, "you're not worth it, and he's not interested in you anymore, he's just to scared to tell you he's dumping you".  For whatever reason this tiny little event turned into this all consuming emotional drama.  This same thing has happened several times before.  This time though, I noticed it.  I don't like feeling like this.  I've decided to go deeper and see what emotional baggage I'd dragging around.  I think I did such a good job "getting over" my divorce, that I did just that.  I got over it, but I didn't really heal from it.  I suspect it may even be deeper than that.  My point is, that there are some very normal stages of grief that can be applied from death, but being abandoned and rejected by someone is a completely different thing.  Not much about a death messes with your self esteem, but a breakup certainly can.  I certainly thought I was past it......but 9 years later, I'm discovering it is still lurking in there somewhere.  I intend to do some work healing from my divorce and some other rejections and betrayals that have gone on in my life.  I'll keep you posted on the journey.  Meanwhile, it's an important question to ponder.  Am I over my divorce?  Did I just "get over it", or did I really heal from it?

October 24, 2007
Should I stay or should I go?
I had an interesting conversation with a friend today.  They were "counseling" a friend of theirs.  The lady was clearly in some emotional distress about getting a divorce.  Apparently she's been in a situation in which the husband has been quite controlling and verbally abusive for a number of years.  She has stayed, probably many years too many, partly because of her now almost grown daughter.  I'm not an advocate of divorce.  However, when I hear of these situations I just cringe.  I hear the story, "we stayed together for the kids".  I think to myself, what good is it to the kids?  Is it really better for the kids to grow up watching an abusive relationship, even if it is only verbal.  Is it really better for your kids to watch you be submissive and not stand up for yourself?  Is it really better for your kids if you are emotionally wiped out and barely hanging on?  There are times when marriages can and should be saved.  But, if it is clear things are not ever going to change, why would you subject yourself, let alone your kids, to a lifetime of misery.  Better to just rip the bandaid off and get it over with. 

October 22, 2007
With kids or without?

A friend of mine asked me the other day if I was looking to date someone with kids or without.  Of course I have two of my own, and they are quite used to the kid shuffle they do each week.  It was an interesting question.  There was a time when I used to think I would rather date someone who had kids of their own.  Because in my mind, how could someone understand the passions I feel for my kids unless they too were a parent. My opinion has actually shifted clear to the opposite.  Today I think I'd be more inclined to date someone who doesn't have kids.  It's hard enough to juggle schedules, balance routines, make one ex spouse reasonably happy.  I'm not sure I've the strength to battle two ex spouses, keep track of two sets of routines and the like.  Now I can't say that I would rule someone out because they have kids, but I will say that I'm not making that a requirement these days.

October 19, 2007
Belle of the Ball?

So I found out about a Single's Ball.  It was last weekend.  It was black tie.  It was at a Mariott hotel downtown, and it was so very well done.  It was absolutely beautiful.  They had a great dance floor, and a great variety of music. In fact I didn't sit down most of the night.  There was no shortage of single people.  There was one problem.  I was clearly the youngest person there.  (Maybe that is why my dance card was so full).  It got me thinking.........there really is not a good opportunity for us single parents to get all decked out and go.  It has me thinking.......maybe we need to have a single parents ball. Or at least an under 50 singles ball.  I would love to go someplace and see 400 men between 30 and 50 all dressed in a tux and all at least willing to consider dating a single mom.  Hmmm.....maybe we can do that??

October 16, 2007
Baseball bonding

I experienced something last night every single mom should try.  Try finding something your son loves, and just throw yourself into it full tilt!  The reward will be beyond words.  I took my son to a baseball game.  Now this wasn't just any baseball game.  This was the National League Division Finals.  To top it off, it was pouring, and I do mean pouring rain, for nine whole innings.  My son listens to his team play on the radio just about every night when he goes to bed.  We go to games throughout the season, but last night was magical.  He kept wondering if I was going to give up being in the pouring rain, but it was MOM who stuck it out and wanted to stay.  I did want to stay.  Seeing that little boy watch his heros play their hearts out made me want to stay.  He called me his "baseball buddy".  What Mom wouldn't want to be that?  I'm sure if I was still married his Dad might have taken him, but then again his Dad isn't really a baseball guy.  I wasn't a baseball gal either, that is until I found out it was a great way to bond with my little boy.  Go Rockies!

October 13, 2007
Some Things Don't Change.......Unfortunately!
I had this crazy notion that dating as an adult would be much different than my college years.  I guess not.  Belive it or not, some things just don't change.  Yeah, sure they're different because I've got to get a babysitter or make sure my kids are going to be over at Dad's.  There's the part about seeing your ex-husband as you are dropping off kids on your way to the date.  Those things are obviously pretty different.  Unfortunately some men's dating skills don't seem to improve with age.  I'm sad to report that grown men still don't know how to just be honest and tell a woman that they're not particularly interested in continuing to date.  I just had such an experience.  I wasn't particularly sure that I liked the fellow.  I kind of warmed up to him.......and boy oh boy as soon as I did, it was like "all bets are off!"  With the advent of email today, as cold as it may be, can't we get to the point that we can just let someone know we're not really that interested any more?  Do we really have to "blow someone off"?  We really think that that is respectful or even gentle?  Oh my, I feel like the ant that had "Hiiiiigh Hopes!"

October 10, 2007
Acute Triangles? New Math?
There are some advantages to living in a split family situation.  Like doing homework.  I must say that lately I wish I had a few less homework nights and a few more weekend nights.  My son is part of some kind of new "connected" math.  They don't seem to be learning any kind of math that I ever did.  I do recognize the words acute triangles and a few others.  However, I sure wish I understood what they are doing.  They don't seem to be memorizing multiplication tables, nor do they seem to multiply and carry, or do long division in any way I recognize.  So, this is one of those times I am more than glad that I don't have to have every single night with them.  Now if only one of us had had "new math" years ago, we could at least be helpful when it is our turn!

October 8, 2007
Do I dare comment?
Why I'm about to comment on the Brittany Spears Federline case is beyond me.  However, being that they have two small children and I spend a significant amount of time helping families in just this situation, I suppose I feel compelled.  I wish I could say they were an unusual circumstance.  However, I hear about these childish situations over and over again.  Unfortunately for Spears and Federline, they just happen to have their immaturity displayed for the entire media.  If you think what they are doing is incomprehensible, then you are obviously not exposed to the real world.  It is incorrigible, but it is going on in courts across this country nearly every day.  I am often baffled as to why parents cannot just make decisions that put their kids first.  Why they choose to make vindictive choices to get back at the other parent is beyond me.  Parents seem to be oblivious that very little damage is inflicted on the intended target.  Instead the kids get caught in the cross fire, just like in Spears' case, and they are the ones that are emotionally destroyed.  I wish all would just consider their actions before dragging their kids through the mud.  Oh, and if anyone knows Brittany, I know a book she and Federline should add to their collection...........

October 2, 2007
My son called me this morning.  It's the chill of fall and he left his sweatshirt at my house.  This is always a tough call.  Sometimes I feel like, hey, you need to be responsible.  Other times I feel like, hey, he didn't choose to live in two houses.  When you walk out of the house and its 80 degrees how are you supposed to know it will only be 45 in the morning when you go to school?  Every morning I wake up, I get to look outside, see the weather, go to my closet and pick out whatever I think is appropriate.  I don't have to hope that it's not at my other residence.  So, I gave in.  I left the office, went back home, got his sweatshirt, took it to him at Dad's.  I didn't even get mad.  What's the point?  Hey, the way I look at it, at least he's responsible enough to know he needs a sweatshirt on a cool fall morning.


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